How?

Dear you,
How can you be so strong to keep fighting? Where can you get that courage to be alive? I'm very tired of everything, of my life, that one that I need to dwell with and fake a smile or fake that I'm very happy when I'm not when I actually want to stop.everything.
I tried one but I was so coward that I call my friend, but what he doesn't know is that I called him just to not being alone at that moment. That was my only chance and I screwed it up, I won't have another one like that, I was very close... Probably you can tell me that I really don't want to die otherwise I would have done it... I don't know... I'm living in a nightmare since I was born... I only want to stop this...

PanDa

PS... sometimes we all have those difficult days, but at the end, that is the life... the important is to recover and keep going...  (07.06.2020) I kept fighting... 

I love this song...

Mom being mom...

Dear you,

Specially if you're a mom and you're kids are at home because of the pandemia... Did you enjoy your two weeks of holidays? I hope yes but the next week you're going to have a new job: TEACHER... 

OMG!!! I don't know you but I'm starting to stressed about all the work my kids must do... English classes, Spanish, Math, Sciene, History, Artistics.... bla bla bla... Probably for you it's so funny to share this time with your kids... and with this I'm not saying I don't enjoy those moments but honestly they drive me crazy... there is some point during the lesson that the only thing I want to do is take the pencil and answer everything... 

I have to be honest, I'm kind of a nerd and kind of perfectionist and obsessive with the order, so everything has to be done perfect or I get crazy... Imagine that scenario: two teenagers who don't want to do anything with a single crazy perfectionist mom hahaha.... this is going to be fun... 

Anyway, we don't have any option, maybe during this time we can share experiences with our kids, we can learn with and from them and we teach them what is a family... Let's see what happen... Good Luck everyone.... and comment how you feel about this.. 

PanDa

Out of place....

Dear You,
Have you ever felt that you don't belong to the place you must be living, that you have to be there for any reason, whatever it is, maybe kids, family, work...But every time you wake up your mind has that strange sensation that you are not part of that place.
No matter what you do. No matter how hard you try, every day is the same. Even if you smile and have some moments of happiness, you still feel you don't belong to that place... The only thing you wanna do is just escape from that reality you must be living...
I'm so tired of living that way for my entire life, at the beginning I thought it was just my age but then when I discovered I was abandoned by my biological parents and adopted by a couple I found out what was really happening in my mind.
I can't complain about the life they gave me, I have everything I wanted except real love. The new mother always pushed me to be perfect and the father was so strange I can't describe. I felt empty all my life. And then I had the chance to travel for one year to another country, where everything passed to me... But I felt more alive than ever in my entire life, I felt relief. For the first time, I felt I belong somewhere and I allowed myself to be happy sometimes. I enjoyed the time on my own as a treasure...
The year was over and I chose to go back to the little town that keeps me trapped. I know it was my decision, among other factors, but I thought I have to do my mom's job and didn't abandon my kids the way my biological parents did with me. However, it's the mom's duty to abandon something that makes her happy to stay with kids that don't need her? I'm trying to do my best but every day it is getting worse for me to handle this situation and my anxiety is getting bigger and bigger every single day.
Should I try to take my kids with me to another place even if I don't have the resources to feed them? Should I quit life? Should I try?

PanDa

At home...

Dear You, 

Please let's be conscious about the World's Situation. There is a lot of topics around Coronavirus, and honestly I'm not going to repeat what everyone says until today, the conspiration theories, the lies of the goverment or whatever.... 

My only purpose with this is to share what I think... thank God in my little town there is no cases yet, but still we need to prevent, for me it's very sad to see how people doesn't listen to the advices of the authorities, I know is hard to stay at home for more than 40 days, specially with kids.... but this is what we needed to understand that the man is not invencible, we're asking the government for a solution when the solution is in our hands... just take care of ourselves... it's better to stay at home for 40 days that never see the sun again, that never enjoy a good chat with our friends or a cup of coffee or glass of wine.... go out just if you need to (specially for food) but don't try to fight against a Supreme Force... 

I'm talking for my generation, it's hard to be inside a place, but for me it's an opportunity to connect with myself again, to listen to my mind and my feelings. For a person with anxiety like me, believe when I say is very difficult this situation, most of the time I'm worry about everyone, about my sons, about my parents and grandparents, I feel like if I go outside for food I gonna get the virus, I keep washing my hands, cleaning my house... I need to focus my attention in something that help me to stay calm... and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in the world like that. The fake news are the worse... please be conscious and help others to stay healthy... Doctors, nurses, goverments are working, maybe not in the way we wanted... but if we want this to stop and change, let's start with ourselves and our kids.... 

The change depends completely on us... and no matter what is our religion, let's pray together as a unique world, to our Supreme Force to stop this... let's keep "together" in this... to enjoy in the future more wonderful things... 

PanDa

Little signals are everywhere...

Dear you,
If you're are reading me thank you, today is an special day: Eastern! The time when some of us celebrate the resurrections of Christ!!
For me, apart from the religious celebrations, this date has more than one meanings. It's the time for changes, for live again, for create a new me, for leave behind that sadness, that bad feelings that keep attormenting me... it's sound so easy but it's not.

On the other hand, this is a very hard day, last year, on the Eastern Day I had one job interview on my last job, during that time, for me was a sign that the Lord wanted me on that job, I was living on Vancouver and the position had nothing to do with my brackground but yes with one of my passions: coffee, so I was so excited to get that job. It was the first time in my life that I made a coffee for someone else, in a professional way and for living....

Honestly, at the begining I was so nervous because never in my life I'd worked as a barista, but for first time in years I was happy doing something that I like, I was happy working, and when I made my first latte art I was so excited, it's was awful but I was very happy and my trainer was proud and surprise, I have to say it, I learnt to make the latte art on the first day....

Now, a lot of thing had happened, I moved and I had to quit my job as a barista, but I learnt a lot of things from that opportunity, the most important was to BELIEF IN ME... to trust myself and understand that with a simple little heart in a cup of coffee you can make the day of one person, and the smile that you received is priceless.... I learnt what is team work, how difficult is to earn your food in some cases and specially to appreciate the little things in life... of course I had the best boss ever... I'm very thankful for that... and if one day I have the chance to go back to that job I won't hesitate...

By the way, after this job I discovered what I really want to be in life... 

PanDa

PD. I want to share with you my first latte art:

1st Latte Art 😁

Beauty Beauty

Hey there,
During this hard time that we must be at home, sometimes I feel trapped in my own thoughts, and I finish driving myself crazy. I'm complaining about everything, because I' getting fat, because my hair is horrible, because the weather is too hot, because my twins never help me.... but you know what?

For first time in a very long period, my mother told me something nice: Your face's skin looks amazing". I was without words but then I started thinking, yeah it's true, I haven't gone outside my house and I've been taking care of myself, a little detail that we normally forget.

I was researching about Korean Beauty and I found that girls make a complete ritual to look like a doll. Actually, during my time in Vancouver I had a Taiwanese friend and we travelled together... OMG!!!!!
, when I just washed my face with soup she did a 30 minutes ritual to her face...

Why don't we start taking care of us? Maybe a mask would be enough at the beginning and then you will love it...

I share this link with all you to learn a little bit of how to make a nice face skin: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/71/03/9d/71039d3136cadf41c00b779dffdc468c.jpg

PanDa

About Me...

To whoever is reading me, 

I would like to start with some facts about me, maybe you can understand a little bit more why I decided to star writing:

1. A few years ago I was diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety, my life hasn't been as easy as most people tkinks, and with that everything in my mind changed. 
2. I have 2 pandas hehe
3. I have a bachelor degree (which I don't really like, maybe one day I'll write this story); and an MBA but honestly I want to do something else... 
4. I used to wish to be a police
5. I love to make coffees, my last job was as a barista and I really enjoyed. 
6. I love to write in English even when it's not my first language (sorry about mistakes)
7. Sometimes I'll write in my mother tongue...
8. I've been trough a lot of things, really A LOT, sometimes good and sometimes terrible. 
9. 6 of the 7 days of the week I'm anxious, so I'm trying to find some ways to relax myself, of course I'll share with you... 
10. At the beginning I decided this was just going to be for therapy but then it came to my mind that propably someone around the world is feeling the same as me, or has passed for anything similar and maybe my words could help... 

PanDa